Getting my excuses in early

On 29 April I will be running the Greater Manchester Marathon to raise money for Sue Ryder. Sponsor me now

OK. So. The good news is I’m still running. That four hour target, though, still seems hopelessly optimistic. Here are some reasons why.

1. As I pointed out before, I’m really not much of a runner. It’s not entirely a fault of character. My asthma means that if I attempt anything more strenuous than a pensioner’s jog, I tend to start wheezing and coughing, and if I go any faster than five miles an hour I risk self-destruction, very much like that milk float in Father Ted. And this, my friends, cruelly limits my potential to set world records. 

2. Plus doesn’t everything hurt when you get to our age? Just lately the mere act of standing up causes creaks and aches and weird popping noises. It hurts when I get up in the morning and it hurts when I bend down to tie my shoelaces. But when I go for a  run, when I shake that body, work it, stretch it  and move it...then damn, it really hurts. In fact, I worry that I might be doing myself a right mischief.

3. And I thought all this running about would mean I could eat what I like and still lose weight. Yep, that totes causes what nutritionists call being ‘fat on the inside’. But who cares, right - because it’s on the inside! It’s like I always tell my girlfriend, it’s not mess any more if I pile it up in a drawer where nobody can see it. Anyway, it’s not working - so far I’ve put on two pounds. Perhaps I’m getting too old for all this. Maybe I should just face up to it, and go and lie down with a whisky and the crossword. In an ideal world you could get sponsored for that.

4. Another excuse (you’ll notice I’m cramming in as many as I can) is that our typically hectic family life means opportunities to train can be quite limited. What with all these children running around screaming, the house teetering on the verge of anarchy - we lost a couple of rooms there for a while - and, um, messy drawers that need sorting out, absences have to be very carefully negotiated or issues will arise. In fact just the other day I got back from a run, exhausted, to be handed a screaming infant and a resentful look. I’m sure Steve Ovett used to get flowers. 

5. And if you're going to suggest that I get up before everyone else to go running: no. Just no.